To be known

As I am sitting at a big chair in Malaysia waiting to go to the airport, I start wondering about the past couple of months and how my life has been. 

I’ve been in Asia for nearly 2 months. So much happened during this time and as I fly away in just a few hours, the last few weeks I’ve started craving many, many things-

– Western food. Brazilian barbecue. Western toilets. Cool weather. Fresh green salads. Popcorn. Random hugs. Back scratches. Praying out loud. Singing out loud. Laughter…

And more than anything I crave to be KNOWN.

I crave being at a place where it’s okay to be who I am, because they know the best and the worst of me, and they still love me.

Where it’s okay to be grumpy when you wake up after only 4 hours of sleep. It’s okay to do things your way. It’s okay to be quiet. It’s okay to stay alone at your room. It’s okay to sleep late and wake up late. It’s okay to be dramatic, it’s okay to hug, it’s okay to laugh loudly and cry even harder. There is grace, there is always grace.

I miss being known. I miss being at a place where to just be myself it is actually perfectly okay. A community that will call me out, but love me still as I go through my own process. 

The hardest part of coming out, all of this way, alone, is not being known. To have to justify my actions, adapt, cut parts of my personality, habits, try to fit into the culture. Basically to not being known. 

As I process the mixed feelings at the corners of my heart, I know I’m known by my Father. I’m beyond loved. I’m so overwhelmed by His love, and how He takes care of me, how He knows me so well. 

However it’s so Hard, so hard to empty myself as I find the ways I need to be accepted by the community and the people here, where He is calling me to come for good. 

SO HARD. And yet that’s the biggest thing He has been asking me. And I know He knows the deepest places of me. And I belong in Him, at the same time as I belong TO Him. 

During the past 3 weeks in a different country, I taught English at this small village in an Island, one of the songs I taught my students was ABBA by Jonathan David Helser. 

“You’re more real than the wind in my lungs
You’re more real than the ground I’m standing on

You’re my reality

Abba, I belong to you

You’re closer than the skin on my bones
You’re closer than the song on my tongue”

 

And just like that I get it.

I understand I belong to HIM. I understand He will guide me and take care of me during the process. 

The past 2 months have been only another training season. I’ll come back for a longer time hopefully next year, as of right now I have many things going on at home, including attending seminary classes as part of my training. 

Thank you so much for your support and prayers at this new adventure. My prayer is that you become more and more known to yourself and your community. 

Much Love, 

Piva