Today I finally cried
(Brasileiros blog em breve no danielapiva.com)
For the past two weeks I haven’t slept well, I’ve been antsy, and even though I kept spending time with the Lord I felt something was off.
You see, exactly 15 days ago, a door was shut.
As some of you know I’ve dealt with the desire to go back on the world race, as a squad leader since month 11 of my Race, May 2015.
With my time on CGA I’ve felt every time more and more that I wanted to go.
I had a few doubts if that was what the Lord had for me, and if I’m being brutally honest I never felt REAL peace about it, but I thought it was okay to step on grey sometimes. And still is.
However I didn’t really had a good perspective, part of me was trying to convince myself that this was the Real Deal, part of me was trying to run away. Run away from the work the Lord still has on my life and for my life here, at home, Brazil.
After a year and seven months, as I finally went back home, on December 22nd, I remember journaling from the airport as I ate a Dove chocolate and got the wrapping: “Go anywhere but home.”
I glued that on my journal and wrote, “Lord please take me anywhere but home.”
Interesting, hey?
I wasn’t here for a while and I still didn’t want to come, I was running.
I kept running as I came and didn’t want to stay, as I applied again to squad lead and leave as soon as possible. Don’t get me wrong I love my family and I do love Brazil.
But I was afraid. And part of me still is afraid. Afraid of the work the Lord has in my life and all the things He is asking me to do here.
20 days ago after a talk with one of my pastors, I came home feeling I was going to have to stay here longer than I thought. The next morning I had another journal entry, a little different than the other shared, ” Jesus I know you love me, I know you know me better than myself and I trust you. I want to fulfill what you have for me, because at the end I know your will is perfect, good and pleasing”… Well it was something like that. Of course I cried and cried telling Him that I did want to trust fully.
I was waiting for the answer. Waiting if the door would be open or shut.
On Tuesday of that week, March 15th, I balled for 15 minutes and I felt in my gut: “I’m going to stay”.
Thursday night, late, late night, I couldn’t sleep, and as I went to check my emails there it was, the email I didn’t see.
And it said Squad leading wasn’t for me right now.
As I read, I had no reaction. I didn’t cry, I wasn’t angry nor upset, at least that’s what I thought.
I said, I knew. The Lord told me before.
But today, finally after 15 days, I finally cried…
I wasn’t expecting the tears to come, I thought, I’m okay, the Lord knew, He told me, He has what’s best for me.
But As I heard Jesus Your Love, by Kristene DiMarco, the tears kept coming, and coming and coming. As I soaked into the words:
So let my heart tell you again
When seasons change and stories end
Your steady love
It will sustain me through it all
Jesus, your love
And the tears keep coming. I know and trust this is the best for me. I know the Lord loves me through a shut door and I know He loves me through my pain, my discomfort and run away decisions.
I’m learning to be content that Brazil will be home for awhile, I’m learning to fall back in love with this place.
But I will miss the season and the stories at Adventures.
They were family, home and love.
And it’s okay to process the loss knowing the Gain will be better.
Because His will is good, perfect and pleasing.
‘So Come and make it done in my life, Lord.’
I might still come over To America over the summer to visit friends and work on a children’s book project.
At CGA I wrote a story and since coming home it has been on my heart the project of making that into a Christian children’s book.
Please be praying for that Project, the funds and my heart.
Much Love,
Pivs
